Monday, July 27, 2015

I Did NOT Sign Up For This!

My oldest isn't my daughter but she is my daughter.

That is a weird sentence. Even re-reading it I know how weird of a sentence it is. However it is probably one of the most honest sentences I have ever written. 

I did not carry Special K (we call her that because of an autocorrected text) and nor did I deliver her. I did not get up every night with her and feed her. I did not take her to the doctor when she was sick or hurt. 

I came into her life when she was a year old and fell in love. She was a spunky little thing that made you smile the second you laid eyes on her. She is still like that even though she is almost 8 years old.

She says all the time that she has two moms. I am blessed she thinks of me as a mom but also hurt that she doesn't view her mom as her only mom. 

That may sound weird but let me explain a little...... 

My dad remarried when I was in 5th grade after my mom was taken away from us by that evil bastard called breast cancer. I have someone who was a mother to me when she didn't have to be, but I don't see her as my "mom". That may sound harsh and mean because she stepped up when nobody wanted to. I don't mean for it to sound that way because I am forever grateful for what she did. I also love her for the things that she has done and continues to do for me. However, I only have one mom.

It's not my moms fault that she had to battle cancer and lost. I do not think it is fair for me to give another woman the title of mom when my own mom didn't have a choice on whether she was there. Whether that is right or wrong I don't know, that is just how I feel. It is also why I hurt when Special K says she has two moms.

I was full on prepared for the I hate yous and the I want to go to Moms. As well as the you aren't my mom. I knew that would come because of the different parenting styles she had to deal with. She has different rules at our house. We expect her to be the oldest and show her sister and brothers how to behave. We expect her to listen and not talk back to us.

I did not understand the heartbreak that came with loving that little girl. Honestly if I did I would have said "I did NOT sign up for this!" I knew it would be hard and that there would be times I did not agree with things. I understood that I would want to put her in my pocket so I could keep her safe. I knew watching my husband take her to her moms would make me want to cry.

I did not anticipate that I would hear "I wish Mommy and Daddy were married!" "I wish you weren't my stepmom!"  Or any other mean thing she would say when we wouldn't agree on how she was behaving. I did not realize how much it would sting when she did say those things.

I remember a couple months ago it was bedtime and all of the kids were being mean to each other so it was an early to bed night. She was crying because she was upset but I did not know why. I figured it was because I told her she had to go to bed early. I asked her what was wrong. She kept crying. I asked her again and she wouldn't talk. I asked her a few more times and she just continued to ignore me. I was at my breaking point and so frustrated because she wouldn't speak. I told her to knock it off and to stop throwing a fit just because she had to go to bed. I also let her know that there was no way I could help if she didn't let me know what was wrong. That is when she said "I wish you weren't my step-mom!"

It stung!

It stung bad!

I mean real BAD!

I looked at her and walked out of the room because I didn't want to regret what I was going to say. She called me back in and let me know that wasn't what she meant. I reminded her that if I wasn't her step-mom she wouldn't have SJ, D3, or Bug as siblings. I asked her if that is what she wanted. She let me know that it wasn't. I did tell her that she had hurt my feelings which she apologized for.

Looking back I probably could have handled it better before she got so upset about going to bed early. At least I think that is why she was upset.

I struggle daily with whether I am doing the right thing or not. It doesn't matter if it is a day she is home or not.

I know I lose my temper. I yell more than I want. I know I get annoyed with her and the way she acts. I let her bother me when it really isn't that big of a deal. Those are just a few things I have to work on to make things easier for her. 

It is so hard for her to go back and forth when she has different rules and expectations. I know she is trying and I proud of her for it. I just did not realize when I fell in love with her and her father that I would deal with this type of pain.

Would I change it?


Should I approach it differently?

Probably but isn't parenting a learning situation that nobody knows whether we are doing things right or wrong?  

I am linking up with....

what katy said

The Dad Network


  1. I too am a step-mum. Or step-minger as she calls me. I was called this one day in a temper and because I laughed it has stuck. Now it is said with a lot more affection. It does get easier. She is a young woman now and out in the big wide world. One day a light just came on and the loving girl I knew at 10 years old re-appeared. We talk about the difficult times we had and she admits to putting me through "tests" just to check I did love her. Thankfully I passed and she now has a sibling she longed for. I hope this gives you some encouragement. You are right, we don't have the answers but as long as we learn from our mistakes things can only improve. I bet you are doing a great job! #mummyandus

    1. We have sat on the kitchen floor when she was having a melt down and talked about how people show each other they love them in different ways. I may not go and buy her lots of toys or candy every time we go to the store but I do take her to the park, zoo, and other fun things she likes to do. I also make her favorite food for supper when she is home. She is so used to people buying her things that it was hard for to understand. She is learning and adjusting so I am so proud of her. Thanks for sharing!

  2. This is such a beautiful post because it is so honest and I can tell how much this little girl means to you even when you've been hurt. It must be so confusing for her, she is still so young, but so hard on you and require so much patience. Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job #mummyandus

    1. Thank you Mackenzie! It was a hard one to write but I knew I had to get it out there. I can only hope our relationship will get stronger and we will find a common ground when she is older.

  3. Gosh this sounds really hard. You really did do the right thing walking away, good for you for remaining so dignified! Xxx #Mummy&Us 💗 Noah and the Girls

  4. Thank you! I never know if I am doing the right thing. I hope I am.